Thanks to Mike Buchanon, Maddi Hausmann Sojourner and David Reeve Sward for this compilation.- Todd
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
On the tee-shirt of an inlined skater in Mountain View: :-) <Intel Inside logo> "I asked for a refund on my Pentium, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt"
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
THE TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY A PENTIUM MACHINE
10. Your current computer is too accurate. 9. You want to get into the Guiness book as "Owner of Most Expensive Paperweight". 8. Math errors add zest to life. 7. You need an alibi for the I.R.S. 6. You want to see what all the fuss is about. 5. You've always wondered what it would be like to be a plaintiff. 4. The "Intel Inside" logo matches your decor perfectly. 3. You no longer have to worry about CPU overheating. 2. You got a great deal from JPL.
1. It'll probably work.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Q&A: THE PENTIUM "FDIV" BUG ============================
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant? A: A mad scientist.
Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on Pentiums? A: The warning label.
Q: What did Intel say to people complaining about Pentiums' FDIV? A: "Go forth and multiply, and take the quantum leap." Q: What is the difference between here and infinity? A: Not all that much, really. It won't affect anybody anyway. Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply is to: 1) Divide 2) ROUND 3) RANDOM 4) On a Pentium, all of the above A: Number 4.
Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586? A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.
Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium? A1: Successive approximations. A2: A random number generator.
Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"? A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
Q: What is Intel's follow-on to the Pentium? A: Repentium. Q: What does the element Pentium decay into? A: Inert silicon with the emission of a press release. Q: What does FDIV mean? A: It's an instruction mnemonic- Fundamentally Defective Instruction Vector. Q: Sorry, I didn't get that, please decode again. What does FDIV mean? A: Functionally Destructive Instigator of Violent results. Q: Sorry, I didn't get that, please recompute. What does FDIV mean? A: Flaming Dumb Intel Violation. Q: What is the significance of the FDIV error for the general public? A: Therapy; millions more people are going to have to go to their psychiatrists when they discover they're not at x * 1/x with themselves. Q: Please calculate 80486 - 80586. What's the answer? A: (a) Infinity, and positive too. A: (b) 80286. Q: Do you know what the difference between a used car salesman and a computer salesman? A: The used car salesman knows when he is lying.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill being developed as a replacement for RU-486??? A: Its called RU-Preventium. It causes the embryo to not divide correctly.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM =========================================
9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug 8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful 2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point? 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws 0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Intel extends the IEEE floating point standard:
In addition to NaN's (Not a Number's), they also have NaA's (Not an Answer's).
This week's issue of The Economist contained an article on the Pentium whose illustration closely resembled a well-known Intel trademark with the following slightly different text:
Insel Intide
Kibitzers recently noticed the following strange inscription on my whiteboard:
Inte0.997 Inside
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Since you insist on afflicting comp.arch with creeping silliness, here's my $0.02000017:
INTEL INSIDE
Intel Inside sat on a wall. Intel Inside had a great fall. All the king's lawyers and all the king's men couldn't put Intel Inside back together again.
PENTIUM PROCESSOR
Pentium Processor, puddin' and pie. Pentium Processor, price real high. When the bugs came out to play, Pentium Processor ran away.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Intel finally found the bug in the Pentium.
Turns out that it was a praying mantissa.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Subject: The Intel FDIV Excuses From: israel@extol.sj.unisys.com
Top Ten Intel Excuses ---------------------
10. You mean 2.00000000 + 2.000000000 doesn't equal 3.999998456?
9. We felt sorry for all those competitors of ours who can't seem to sell anywhere near as many processors as we do.
8. Emulate THIS, Power PC!
7. Hey, look! We've got a built-in random number generator! (Quick, jack-up the price...)
6. The FDIV bug? That's nothing! Wait'll you see what happens when you try to run Windows 95!
5. We were trying to outfox AMD by tricking them into making a processor that works, thus rendering them incompatible!
4. Hey, buddy, we'd like to see YOU hook up 3.3 million transistors right the first time!
3. Actually, the whole thing's a documentation error. The manual mixed up the opcodes of FDIV with another instruction, FATRA - Floating Point Almost The Right Answer.
2. That's the way it's supposed to work. It's part of our new fuzzy logic support.
1. We don't care. We don't have to. We're INTEL!
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
From: laniege@eng.auburn.edu (__Glenn Lanier__) Subject: 2 more Intel Insiders
November Election results may be due to Intel Pentium bug :-)
An anonymous source in the Democratic Party has revealed that the sweeping landslide victory of the Republicans in November may have been due to an obscure bug in the Intel Pentium computer chip.
Upgrading the nationwide vote counting system to the latest technology was one of Vice-President Al Gore's "Reinventing Government" initiatives. This change was meant to reduce costs and streamline operations, however, the computer glitch may have cost the Whitehouse dearly.
A spokesman for the Democratic Party denied the rumor that several thousand Power-PC's had been purchased as part of a vote recount effort.
When questioned about the news Senator Bob Dole (r) commented that he believed the Intel Pentium chip was far better than anyone had thought. A short statement released by Newt Gingrich's office indicated that "the Democratic party has always sought to divide America and that this discovery of an FDIV bug in the Intel Chip was clear evidence of the moral decay of our society."
At a Motorola Plant in Austin, Texas Ross Perot told an angry crowd that according to his new calculations the deficit is actually 14 times larger than the government has been telling us. He praised his staff for staying up all night and performing the calculations by hand.
In late breaking news today legal briefs were filed in Chicago by former senator Dan Rostenkowski's attorneys which claimed that the irregularities at the House Bank and the House Post Office were actually due to Pentium chip calculation errors. Sources in Attorney General Janet Reno's office reveal a furious behind the scenes effort to reload the whitewater investigation spreadsheets in order to double check the results.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Top Ten Excuses Why QT Emulation Didn't Find the Pentium FPU Bug ----------------------------------------------------------------
10) Intel couldn't afford to buy enough QT hardware in order to verify beyond 5 decimal places.
9) Actually did find the problem but didn't want to say anything because, "We're shy."
8) Spent more time verifying QT hardware than Intel hardware.
7) Decided it was more important to verify all the obscure undocumented opcodes that nobody knows about than it was to see if the math was actually correct.
6) Figured if there were any problems with the chip could always fix it by doing a slingshot around the sun and going back in time like in Star Trek.
5) Intel used a 486 PC to check the math on the Pentium emulator.
4) Money Intel spent for QT emulators actually went to buy hookers and booze for Andy Grove.
3) Didn't do an exhaustive check of all the math functions. Got as far as 2 + 2 = 5 and figured that was good enough.
2) Pentium testing consisted mostly of playing tetris until a score of 100,000 was achieved.
1) There was an FPU in that thing?
| Glenn Lanier II Preferred: laniege@eng.auburn.edu | | 04 CS Alternate: laniege@mail.auburn.edu |
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Subject: Intel's Pentium defense revealed From: ckolar@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Christopher G. Kolar) Keywords: topical, smirk, computers, original
This came to me late last night while warming a bottle for baby.
I'm convinced that the Pentium problem has been a coverup from the very beginning and that Intel has prepared a sophisticated defense.
OK. The more you know about something's location, the less able you are able to predict it's behavior. So, by placing the "Intel Inside" stickers on their Pentium machines, Intel has put themselves into a good position to use a Heisenberg Defense -- claiming that by knowing for certain that the Pentium is inside the cpu case, you should have no way of predicting the behavior of the chip. The beauty of it is that since we are working on the order of 10^-34, Pentium users would never be able to investigate this claim.
Apologies for the mangled physics, I knew that there was a joke in there waiting to get out.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
From: brad@looking.clarinet.com (Brad Templeton) Keywords: topical, smirk, computers, original
Intel stock was down 3.749999932 points today in heavy trading.
(Original, and one joke Intel is not laughing at.)
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Subject: Recycling, Courtesy of Intel From: CSGLASS@minna.acc.iit.edu (Michael Glass)
$ EDIT tech-jokes.old : SUBSTITUTE /slide rule/Pentium/ ALL : SAVE tech-jokes.new : EXIT $
-- Michael Glass, Ill. Inst. of Technology csglass@iitvax.iit.edu
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Subject: Is Software as Hard as Hardware? From: dodson@wagner.convex.com (Dave Dodson) Keywords: topical, smirk, computers, typoes
The December 6 Business Today section of the Dallas Morning News contained the following headline and Editor's Note:
"Pentium goof points up difficulty in design testing"
"Editor's Note: The Dallas Morning News is reprinting this story from page 1D of Monday's business section. Because of an error in using computer software, a number of proper names and some other words in Monday's story were incorrect."
For example, in Monday's story, "Intel" was spelled "Until." It appears that someone unfamiliar with the technical vocabulary of the article was turned loose with a spelling checker and uncorrector.
-- Dave Dodson dodson@convex.com Convex Computer Corporation Richardson, Texas (214) 497-4234+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Subject: Truth in an old saying? From: hlr@aber.ac.uk (Haze)
My husband told me this one:
There's been a lot of publicity recently over problems with the pentium chip.
If someone successfully prosecutes Intel over this will we finally see "Intel Inside"?
Hazel Davey (hlr@aber.ac.uk)
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Subject: Optimism From: gnb@bby.com.au (Gregory Bond) Keywords: original
Q: Definition of optimist? A: Pentium system builder soldering the CPU to the motherboard.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Subject: Fun and Games with Intel. From: keating@cig.mot.com (Edward Keating) Keywords: original
Original reuse of an old commercial, by keating@cig.mot.com
With all the reported problems of Pentium processors, perhaps Intel should adopt a new slogan (apologies to the makers of Ivory soap):
99.44% accurate, it floats();
NOT!
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Acronyms for the Pentium ------------------------
P rocessor E rrors N umbering T housands I n U sers M achines
P ractically E veryone N ow T hinks I t's U seless for M ath
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
186,281.9999943024 mph - not just a good idea, it's the law!
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Pentium specification errata: Addition -> Ambition Subtraction -> Distraction Multiplication -> Uglification Division -> Derision; i.e., LDIV -> LDER Please update your manuals. (apologies to Lewis Carroll) +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ The Pentium doesn't have bugs or produce errors; it's just Precision-Impaired. +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Intel business executives have been so stressed by staying up late at night trying to figure out what to do about the Pentium Problem, that they're past the floating point. +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ I heard that Intel lost one of its divisions today... +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Did anyone say Bugium? Or did I hear Defectium? +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ Oh, and by the way - Did you know, it was meant to be "Intel" but bit 5 got inverted accidentally so it's "iNTEL". Why not the full name? Well, look at it this way. iNTEL LIGENCE had too many significant places.... ------- +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
I talked to Phil Zimmerman (author of PGP) this evening. Direct quote: "I am 99.99999512% sure PGP doesn't use any floating point calculations."
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
I pose a Naming Contest for the defective chip. Quite a few Post, want Intel to recall it and sell it as P-90sx. That O.K. but I think the should call it P-90 PMS Why?
1) The error does not same dramatic effect everyone. 2) Individual who use the P-90 at home mainly for games may never see the error or attribute the error to software. 3) And some users this bug may be a concern only periodically. 4) BUT others who rely on complex math and precise measurement will find their lives a living hell with this chip. Disclaimer: Men have their hormonal cycles also, but ours are invisible and a periodicity of about 90 days. - Is there connection?
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
I have a 100 MHz Pentium based computer and would like to point out that - despite of recent negative reports - this machine is highly rel!##@$%%%&&^\^^^\\#**++~^^@@#$$%%\\\
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
INTEL'S NEW WARRANTY We stand behind our products 100*(256-4195385+(4195835/3145727)*3145727)/256 percent.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Pentium commercials -------------------
(Re: the commercial where you "fly" into the computer via the floppy drive)
: : Better yet, put a little tag at the bottom "rendered on a Pentium(tm)" : : and have the "viewer" crash into the disk slot instead of flying through : : it. : I could see a view of the processor as you fly by, and instead of 1's and 0's : coming out of it, there would be "0.99666" "sort of 1", "close enough", : "27", etc. coming out of it. Maybe those little power generators or whatever you call them, weren't just an add. Who knows, Intel's quality control checkers? :)
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
"If my calculations are wrong, it's because I bought a Pentium processor"
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
MORE SLOGANS:
Pentium: Redefining mathematics!
Pentium, the computer your kids can relate to: It can't do fractions, either.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
AMD's new campaign: 99% Pentium compatible - you don't want the last 1% though.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
New logo for IBM, DEC, HP, Compaq, etc., PC's: 'Intel Aside'
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
The 0.000000000001th new Intel slogan for the Pentium:
We give you the most megaflops.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Here at Intel, we are very concerned with correcting the problems with the Pentium -- both with the flaw itself, and the misperceptions about it. We would like to assure our customers that we have run extensive tests, and have found that, for the typical user doing "random" divides, the problem should hardly ever arise, and most users will not be affected by this minor flaw. However, some of you have failed to be reassured by this. We have therefore directed our publicity department to confer with the engineers, consultants and operators who have been dealing directly with both the problem itself, and with the public, and produce a film that accurately portrays the corporate position and attitude toward the typical user, and the rigorous tests envisioned by Company executives to make sure that, when we say the typical user will not be affected, we know what we're talking about! Our underlings have responded to this directive with amazing alacrity, and the film is ready. We hope it clears up any public misconceptions. [cut to scene of a Pentium PC, with a monkey at the keyboard]
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Casting call for film "Partial Recall"! Suggestions?!!
Andy Grove: ? Carrol O'Connor Dr. Nicely: ? Dr. Carl Sagan (billions & bilions of computations) Betty from Intel: ? Sharon Stone (good telephone voice) Director of "Intel Inside" advt. campaign: ? Harrison Ford Intel "application qualification" officer ? Al Gore (sincere, intelligent) Bill Gates: ? Bill Gates (who else?) Editor, Business Week ? Martin Scorsese (another cameo) Editor, San Jose Mercury: ? Himself Editor, New York Times tech section ? Sam Neill (Good "I'm amazed!" look [JP]) Nerd computer store salesman: ? Al Bundy Conspiracy advocating net hacker ? Oilver Stone Wise net hacker (who knows what he's doing) ? Phillipe Khan (Borland Pres.) Dumb net hacker (What's an FDIV) ? Wayne Knight (hacker from Jurassic Park) Panicky, out of control net hacker ? Kenneth Branagh (with shirt off) Young net hacker, who discovers 2 digit killer ap ? McCaully McKulkin (SP?) Lawyer for class action suit against Intel; Robert Shapiro Hugh Downs on 20/20 (expose episode) : Himself Barbara Walters on 20/20 episode: Barbra Streisand ? ? ?
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ To follow up with a poem.... Intel Inside ============ "Intel Inside!," Intel vied, with ample pride world wide in guide "Proven and tried!". "Intel Inside!" Budgets sighed; millions buyed; RISC sales dried like ancient bride. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide! Scientists cried, fit to be tied, and numbers fried. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide!! Pi's pied when FDIV died and accuracy denied. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide? Executives hide from "outside" during Intel bide on warranty decide. "Intel Inside?" Can't divide?!! See "Thalidomide". (Taken for a ride.) Intel lied. +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Will wonders never cease. This is a news flash from the world of quantum mechanics. A new fundamental law of the physical universe, called the "Intel uncertainty principle," has shaken the very foun- dations of modern physics. Briefly, the principle works something like this. Give any floating point division x/y on an Intel Pentium chip, you can either know the exact values x and y, or you can know the exact value of the quotient x/y, but it is impossible on a Pentium to know the precise values of x, y and x/y. A wave function Pm(x,y) - an irrational solution of the Grove equation (Andy Grove was the former president of the chip manu- facturer Intel) - describes the probability of finding the correct solution. Thus the new view modern physics is taking is that all floating point operations are probability wave functions. Similarly, the newly discovered P.C. exclu- sion principle prohibits replacement chips from ever occupying the same orbital as the original chip, thus effectively making such replacement impossible. +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
After reading numerous postings from people who have been interviewed by Intel in an attempt to get a replacement for their buggy Pentium, it is clear that a business opportunity has been created. Anybody who ever resorted to "Cliff Notes" in high school in order to avoid actually reading Macbeth will appreciate the parallel: Premise: A series of scripts will be furnished to the customer, the purpose of which is to pass the "Intel Quiz" being administered before you can qualify for a new Pentium. Example of response, before purchasing "Intel Quiz Prep": INTEL: Just what is it that you do with your Pentium-based computer? RESPONSE: Well, I'm an undergraduate in math and I have a number of school assignments that require accurate floating point division. Also, to pay the rent, I participate in some small consulting contracts that require statistical analysis, use a lot of floating point, and require extremely accurate results. INTEL: Sorry, you don't qualify. You're not a Nobel Laureate. ------------- After preparation with "Intel Quiz Prep", the interrogation might go like this: INTEL: Just what is it you do with your Pentium-based computer? RESPONSE: Well, I have a consulting contract with Exxon which involves measuring the statistical probability that one of their tankers will hit an iceberg. After that Valdez thing, they're pretty touchy about this stuff. Of course, they do like to cut it pretty tight, and that's why we use Intel processors to calculate these things. INTEL: Your new Pentium will be FEDEXed out today. RESPONSE: Thank you! -------------- This is just one example. "Intel Quiz Prep" will furnish hundreds of variations, with regular monthly updates. A couple of late-night commercials and an 800 number, and it could be a reality. After all, there are a couple million potential customers. +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
It's a good thing Intel is here in the good old USA where quality is not taken seriously anymore. Enjoy this clip: Subject: Now THIS is Total Quality Management! >From an old issue of the Wall Street Journal: BEIJING - Eighteen factory managers were executed for poor product quality at Chien Bien Refrigerator Factory on the outskirts of the Chinese capital. The managers - 12 men and 6 women - were taken to a rice paddy outside the factory and unceremoniously shot to death as 500 plant workers looked on. Minister of Economic Reform spokesman, Xi Ten Haun, said the action was required for committing unpardonable crimes against the people of China. He blamed the managers for ignoring quality and forcing shoddy work, saying the factory's output of refrigerators had a reputation for failure. For years, factory workers complained that many component parts did not meet specification and the end product did not function as required. Complaining workers quoted the plant manager as saying, "Ship it." Refrigerators are among the most sought-after consumer items in China. Customers, who waited up to five years for their appliances, were outraged. "It is understandable our citizens would express shock and outrage when managers are careless in their attitudes towards the welfare of others." Haun says. "Our soldiers are justified in wishing to bring proper justice to those errant managers." The executed include the plant manager, the quality manager, the engineering managers, and their top staff. Shooter +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
New and Practical USES for the Pentuim Boob Chip Keep calm everyone out there with a Boob Chip. Assuming the errors occur somewhat randomly.. you can use it happily as the most powerful random number generator in the world today. Actually this would be a major technological breakthrough. In the realm of Chaos Theory we find yet another very practical use for your Chip. You may wish to dedicate your Pentium to furthering research in this exciting field. For me The Flaw has been a Godsend for my research into Erroneous Results Sciences. Are there any of you wishing to join me in researching the accuracy and nature of totally erroneous results. I need helpers. PARTY ANNOUNCEMENT ... VANCOUVER BC Dec 4 94 Bring your Pentiums with you because we're having a Great Competition in which you have to devise programs or processes that are super fast and very efficient.The Goal here: The Pentium that comes up with the wrong answer first gets to have its cooling fans torn off.
+----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
And the final blow, from an earlier message sent to me...
- Todd
Date: Fri, 24 Jun 1994 17:53:57 -0400 From: Christopher Penney <penney@cps.msu.edu> Subject: (fwd) Intel flying Pentium commercial
I found this _very_ amusing...
-=Chris=-
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.portables,comp.sys.mac.system,comp.sys.mac.misc,comp.sys.mac.advocacy,comp.sys.mac.hardware Subject: Intel flying Pentium commercial Date: 23 Jun 1994 10:56:46 GMT Organization: Stanford University
Just got the August issue of MacUser yesterday. You know that Intel commercial, with the Pentium chip flying around inside a computer case? On p. 14, in the Letters to the Editor, a reader complains about all the Intel commercials and the lack of Apple commercials. The Editor makes the following comment:
"Here's the topper: Did you know that the Pentium commercial at the Pentium commercial was created on a Motorola-based Mac running the ElectricImage Animation System? Now, if Apple would only advertise *that*."
O! The irony!
Until next time... Todd toddc@loki.stanford.edu
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
-- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ - T o d d E. V a n H o o s e a r - ``'''vanhoose@lalaland.cl.msu.edu - vanhoose@msu.edu - vanhoose@lalaland.cl.msu.edu (._.) Michigan State University - East Lansing, MI USA (_) Computer Laboratory - Department of Communication `---' <A HREF="http://lalaland.cl.msu.edu/~vanhoose/">My Home Page</A> PGP-aware: finger vanhoose@lalaland.cl.msu.edu for my public key ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~