Subject: Atlanta Humor
From: Todd E Van Hoosear (vanhoose@mlss15.cl.msu.edu)
Date: Fri Jun 22 2001 - 12:03:57 EDT
[From Kolyan.]
For anyone who either lives, has lived, or has visited Atlanta.
> Atlanta is composed mostly of one way streets. The only way to get out
> of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach
> Greenville, South Carolina. All directions start with, 'Go down
> Peachtree. . .' and include the phrase, 'When you see the Waffle
> House. . . .' Except that in Cobb County, all directions begin with,
> 'Go to the Big Chicken.
>
> Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused
> with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Lane, Peachtree Road,
> Peachtree Parkway, Peachtree Run, Peachtree Trace, Peachtree Ave.,
> Peachtree Commons, Peachtree Battle, Peachtree Corners, New Peachtree,
> Old Peachtree, or Peachtree Industrial Boulevard.
>
> Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask
> anyone for directions they will always send you down Peachtree.
>
> Atlantans do not believe in turn signals. You will never see a native
> signal at a stoplight, to change lanes, or to merge. Never!
>
> Atlanta is home of Coca-Cola. That's all we drink here, so don't ask
> for any other soft drink . . . unless it's made by Coca Cola. And even
> then, it's still 'Coke.'
>
> Gate One at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport is 32 miles away
> from the Main Concourse so wear sneakers and pack a lunch. The doors
> on the trains in the airport do not reopen like an elevator if you
> stick your hand out. And, they hurt.
>
> It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you
> started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a 'scenic drive' and has
> posted signs to that effect so that out-of-towners don't feel lost ...
> They're just on a 'scenic drive.''
>
> The 8 AM rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM. The 5:00 PM rush hour is
> from 3:30 to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and
> lasts through 2:00 AM Saturday.
>
> Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody especially those of us
> who live here. Stay out of them unless you are looking for a head-on
> collision.
>
> 'Sir' and 'Ma'am' are used by the person speaking to you if there's a
> remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes older than they are.
> 'Sugar' is a more common form of address than 'Miss.' So is
> 'Sweetpea.' 'Honey' is always used by Waffle House waitresses.
>
> Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not
> attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads
> to the right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunciation is 'pahnss
> duh LEE-on.')
>
> The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget
> all traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye
> shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over. If a single
> snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all
> the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. All the
> grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet
> paper, and beer if there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does
> snow, people will be on the corner selling 'I survived the blizzard'
> T-shirts.
>
> If you're standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you're expected
> to get on and go somewhere.
>
> It is always Smog Alert Day.
>
> Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form
> of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta's
> version of Old Faithful erupts. Construction crews aren't doing their
> job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush
> hour.
>
> Atlantans are very proud of our racetrack, known as Road Atlanta. It
> winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name. Actually,
> I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of
> 55 mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run
> over), is known to truckers as 'The Watermelon 500.' Georgia 400 is
> our equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA
> 400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized
> SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon
> or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus coming
> home from the college prep preschool.
>
> The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy which starts
> at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads,
> vehicles, houses, etc., are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you
> have any allergies you will die.
>
> Hey, but other than that, it's a great place to live!
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```'' T o d d E V a n H o o s e a r
(._.) vanhoose@lalaland.cl.msu.edu
(_) http://lalaland.cl.msu.edu/~vanhoose/
`---' AIM: vanhoosear
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
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