"You campaign in poetry. You govern in prose." -- Mario M. Cuomo "Easy reading is damned hard writing." -- Nathaniel Hawthorne "Compassion is the basis of morality." -- Arnold Schopenhauer "God never occurs to you in person but always in action." -Gandhi "To listen to some devout people, [it seems] God never laughs." "A critic is one who leaves no turn unstoned." -- G.B. Shaw "When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers." "Constants aren't, variables don't, moderators might." . <-- Grain of Salt. Take as needed with above advice. "Cthulhu Saves... In case it's hungry later..." "Quantum Mechanics: The dreams that stuff is made of." Reality-o-meter: [\............] It's gonna be one of those days. ( ( ( ((Today's Tagline in Stereo Where Available)) ) ) ) "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm." "Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have any film." "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder." "Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor." "Wear Short Sleeves: Support your right to bare arms..." "For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain." "I intend to live forever - so far, so good." "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..." "Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark." "I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week." " " -- Marcel Marceau "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?" -- S. Wright "Those who kiss a** shouldn't complain of wind." -- Rumi (836-896) Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that. "When an agnostic dies, does he go to the 'great perhaps'?" "Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?" "Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?" "Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?" "If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?" "If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?" "If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?" "Why is there always one in every crowd?" "If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?" "Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?" "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?" - Carlan "If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?" "If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?" - Carlan "If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?" -- George Carlan "Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?" - Carlan "Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram?'" "Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?" - Carlan "Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?" -- George Carlan "Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?" -- George Carlan "Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?" -- George Carlan "Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?" -- George Carlan Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup - Won Ton Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile/hour=knot-furlong 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 lite year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 1/2 large intestine = 1 semicolon 1000 aches = 1 megahertz Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line 1/2 bath = 1 demijohn 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1000 cans of Spam = 1 K-Ration "Liberty means responsibility. That's why most men dread it." -- Shaw "And your crybaby stupid whiny opinion would be...?" "Do I look like a damn people person?" "This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting." "I started out with nothing and still have most of it left." "I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me." "You! Off my planet!" "Errors have been made. Others will be blamed." "A PBS mind in an MTV world." "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed." "Too many freaks. Not enough circuses." "Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong." "Chaos, panic and disorder. My work is done here." "How do I set my laser pointer to stun?" "If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise." "Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant." "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." - G. Hill "The defect of equality is that we only desire it with our superiors." "Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm." -- Emerson "A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends." "You can lead a man up to the university, but you can't make him think." "Character is much easier kept than recovered." -- Thomas Paine "#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))" - Shakespear "'Bother,' said Pooh as he reached for the reset button." "'Bother,' said Pooh when he couldn't think of a tagline." "'Bother,' said Pooh, and deleted C:\WINDOWS." "'Criminal Lawyer' is a redundancy." "'DOS=HIGH' Hmm, I knew it was on something..." "'Good morning!' is an opinion, not a greeting." (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? "...[T]he love you take is equal to the love you make." - Beatles "...and with that cryptic comment I'm off to bed." "...just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason, too." "2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2." "2 rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know." "24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?" "3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population." "42? 7 and a half million years and all you can come up with is 42?!" "43% of all statistics are worthless." "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother." "A closed mouth gathers no foot." "A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain." -Long "A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking." "A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking." "A conference is a way of postponing a decision." "A day not wasted is a day wasted!" "A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible." "A little work, a little sleep, a little love and it is all over." -Frost "A metaphor is like a simile." "A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago." "A smile confuses an approaching frown." "A soft answer turneth away wrath." -- Proverbs 15:1 "A steady salary is an invitation to mediocrity." "A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary." "A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defense." "A user and his leisure time are soon parted." "A wise man knows everything; a shrewd one, everybody." "A wish is a desire without an attempt." AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction "ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!" "After all is said and done, more is said than done." "Afterwards, the universe will explode for your pleasure." "Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a net..." - Matthew 13:47 "Alex, I'll take `Things Only I Know' for $1000." "All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy." "All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power." "All computers wait at the same speed." "All generalizations are false." "All phone calls are obscene." -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon "All things have an end, except a sausage, which has two." "All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?" "Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys them so much." -- Wilde "Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn." "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." "An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting." "Anatomy is something that everybody has ... it just looks better on Women." "Anger is never without an argument, but seldom with a good one." - Savile "Answer not a fool according to his folly." -- Proverbs 26:4 "Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature." "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." "Are you the police?" "No ma'am, we're musicians." "Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity." "As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing." "As every thread of gold is valuable, so is every moment of time." "Ask not for whom the bell tolls: let the machine get it." BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Bad command or filename. Go stand in the corner! "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "Best guess, Mr. Sulu." -- Kirk "Better to die on your feet than to live on your knees." "Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers." "Beware of the man of one book." - Latin Proverb "Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth." Borger King: "Have it our way. Your way is irrelevant." "But I don't like Spam!!!!" "Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster." "Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you." -- Soupy Sales "Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?" COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. "Tell me what company you keep, and I'll tell you what you are." "Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams?" "Men get opinions as boys learn to spell, by reiteration chiefly." "Love truth, but pardon error." -- Voltaire "Love is an exploding cigar which we willingly smoke." -- L. Barry "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -- Carmen Boyle "An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less." "Does the Little Mermaid wear an algaebra?" "Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?" "How do I set my laser printer on stun?" "How is it possible to have a civil war?" "If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?" "If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" "If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?" "If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?" "If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?" "If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?" "If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?" "If you try to fail -- and you succeed -- which have you done?" "Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?" "Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?" "What happens when none of your bees wax?" "Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?" "Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?" "Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things." "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor." "Atheism is a nonprophet organization." "And whose cruel idea was it for the word 'Lisp' to have a 'S' in it?" "C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit." "C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre." -- Bosquet "CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh!!" CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months CISC: Complex Invention for Strange Coders COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented-Language "Canada has two seasons. Winter and Construction." "Canst thou by searching find out God?" -- Job 11:7 "Censorship: The reaction of the ignorant to freedom." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "Character density: The number of very weird people in the office." "Circular definition: see definition, circular." "Close your eyes and press escape three times." "Computer, end program." "Computer, you and I need to have a little talk." "Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are." "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." -Picasso "Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes." "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps." "Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence." Created with the No. 1 Rated HTML editor - 'vi' "Crime does not pay...as well as politics." DEC: Do Expect Cuts DOS: Defective Operating System Dyslexics have more fnu "Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy?" "Death and taxes may be certain, but we don't have to die every year." "Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before." "Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular." "Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice." "Diagonally parked in a parallel universe." "Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip." "Do not attempt to adjust your mind! the fault is with reality." "Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?" "Do you really want the answer? The ULTIMATE answer?" - Deep Thought "Does fuzzy logic tickle?" "Does killing time damage eternity?" "Does steel wool come from magnetic sheep?" "Don't anthropomorphize computers. They don't like it." "Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out." "Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus." "Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it." "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive." "Don't wait for your ship to come; swim out to it." "Don't worry too much about what people think, because they seldom do." "Don't worry, it's all part of the program." - The Mice "Double your drive space - delete Windows!" "Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing." "Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." "Earth: Mostly Harmless." "Education is learning a lot about how little you know." "Education should include knowledge of what to do with it." "Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons." Error found. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Error found. Press [CTRL]-[ALT]-[DEL] to continue ... Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue. "Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny" "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" "Every notice that to entertain some people, all you have to do is listen?" "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." "Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die." "Everyone is weird. Some of us are just proud of it." "Everything that is done in the world is done by hope." -- M. Luther "Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven." "Excuse me, teacher? May I be excused? My brain is full." "Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it." "Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else." "Fall behind early so you'll have more time to catch up later." "Faster than a speeding ticket!" "Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." -Twain "Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind." -Pratchett "For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism." "For life is quite absurd. And death's the final word." - Monty Python "Force without wisdom fall of its own weight." -- Horace "Forget about world peace, think about using your turn signal." -B.S. "Four minus two is one and the same." "Freedom is just chaos with better lighting." "Friends come and go; enemies accumulate." "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." "Genius has its limits but ignorance knows no bounds." -- James M. Dunn "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "Go as far as you can see, and when you get there, you will see farther." "Goalie for the dart team." "Government at its best is a necessary evil." -- Paine "Government at its worst is intolerable." -- Paine "Grad school: it's not just a job, it's an indenture." "Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here." "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon." "Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda. "Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable." "Hard to say, Ma'am. I think my cerebellum just fused." -- Calvin "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now." "Hard work must have killed someone!" "Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked." "Have cursor, will curse." "Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?" "He's no failure. He's not dead yet." - William Lloyd George "He does the work of three men...Larry, Moe and Curly." "He took an IQ test and the results were negative." "He was a how thinker, not an if thinker." "He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes." "He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut." "He who dies with the most taglines, wins!" "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead." "He who hesitates is probably right." "He who laughs last thinks slowest!" Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS "History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other." "History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it." -- Churchill "Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!" "Home is where the house is." -- Advice from a 6-Year Old "Home is where you hang your @." "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense." "Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting." "How come you never hear about gruntled employees?" "How did a fool and his money GET together?" "How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?" "How fortunate for rulers, that men do not think." -- Adolph Hitler "I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met." "I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... MMMmmmm! Donuts!" "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." "I better be going. I have to get up sometime tomorrow." -- Jim "I came, I saw, I deleted all your files." "I can live for two months on a good compliment." - Mark Twain "I can see clearly now, the brain is gone..." "I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma." -- The Wizard "I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think." "I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less." "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it." "I didn't say everything I said." -- Yogi Berra "I disclaim my disclaimer!" "I distinctly remember forgetting that." "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." -- Isaac Asimov "I don't mean to alarm you but your pants are talking to you." "I don't necessarily agree with everything I say." -- McLuhan "I don't need to convince them. Just confuse them." -- Sela "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it." "I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day." -- Linda Evangelista "I dreamed I met God. He sneezed, and I didn't know what to say to Him." "I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol." "I dropped my toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen. "I had to quit my job to have time to read my email." -- Adam Curry "I hate laundry month." "I hate quotations." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson "I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape somewhere." "I intend to live forever - so far, so good." "I just forgot to increment the counter," Tom said, nonplussed. "I just wish my mouth had a backspace key." "I know everything. I just can't remember it all at once." "I let my mind wander and it didn't come back." -- Calvin "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." "I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." "I remind you that humans are only a tiny minority in this galaxy." "I say we nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure." "I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree." -- Nash "I understand your concerns. Request denied." -- Data "I used to be sane. I got better." "I used to have a handle on life, then it broke." "I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead." "I was glad to be able to answer promptly. I said I didn't know." -Twain I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline. "I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong." -Russell "I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac." "I! Finally! Figured! Out! How! To! Punctuate! Kirk's! Sentences!" "I'd explain it to you, but your head would explode." "I'd love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code!" "I'll always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you." "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar." "I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!" "I'm not a procrastinator, I'm temporally challenged." "I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week." "I'm not dumb, I just have a command of thoroughly useless information." "I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud?" "I've got a mind like a...like a...what's that thing called?" "I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!" IBM: I Blame Microsoft "If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?" "If God didn't love procrastinators, why did He invent tomorrow?" "If God dropped acid, would he see people?" -- Steven Wright "If God sneezes, what should you say?" "If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms." "If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?" "If a little knowledge is dangerous then I'm nitroglycerine." "If a mime swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?" "If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?" "If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points." "If a train station is where a train stops, what's a workstation?" "If at first you do succeed-- try to hide your astonishment." -- Banks "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." "If at first you don't succeed, redefine success." "If at first you don't succeed, so much for skydiving." "If everything is going well, you don't know what the Hell is going on." "If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic." "If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them." "If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." "If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?" "If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?" "If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?" "If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me." "If this is an ivory tower, then I must be in the basement!" "If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." "If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?" "If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted." "If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bull****." "If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with printouts." "If you chase two rabbits, both will escape." "If you had everything, where would you keep it?" "If you shoot a mime, do you have to use blanks?" "If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?" "Illegitimus non Carborundem" "Imagination is more important than knowledge." -- Albert Einstein "Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." "In Case of Fire, Log off Promptly." "In Gates we trust." "Is it possible to be totally partial?" "Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?" "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?" "Is this true or only clever?" -- Augustine Birrell "Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?" "It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats." "It is much easier to be critical than to be correct." -Disraeli "It is not enought to succeed. Others must fail." -- Gore Vidal "It seems confusing that narrow-minded people are thick headed." "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "It's easier to apologize than ask for permission." "It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything." "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." "It's men like you that give perversion a bad name." -- Fox Mulder "It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere." "It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether *I* win or lose." "It's too nice a day to be stupid indoors!" -- Ren Hoek "Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." "Knowledge become power only when we put it into use." "Knowledge is not what the pupil remembers but what he cannot forget." LISP: Lots of Infuriating and Silly Parentheses "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Let us so live that when we ... die even the undertaker will be sorry." "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." -- Helen Keller "Life is like high school with money." -- Frank Zappa "Life is sexually transmitted." "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." "Life just dished up some spam." -- Opus "Life without love is a shadow of things that might be." -- F. Quinlan "Life's full of mysteries. Consider this one of them." -- Sinclair "Live your own life, for you will die your own death." - Latin Proverb "Logic is a system whereby one may go wrong with confidence." "Look out for #1. Don't step in #2, either." "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!" "Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math." MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teens MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed "Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change." "Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee." "Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law." "Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later." "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Tomlin "Many men boast of having an open mind, when it is only vacant." "Minds are like parachutes; they only function when open." -- Dewar "Misers make wonderful ancestors." "Modulation in all things." "Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life." "Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with." "Money is the root of all good." - Ayn Rand "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" "Most people can't stand a poor loser ... or a rich winner!" "Most people know how to keep silent but few of us know when." "Most things I worry about never happen anyway." - Tom Petty "Multitasking allows me to screw up several things at once." "My mind's made up - don't confuse me with the facts." "My other computer is a Mac." "My other tagline is a footnote." "My software never has bugs. It just develops random features." "My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating." "Navy, n. An army entirely surrounded by water." -- Spike Milligan "Never cut what you can untie." - Joseph Joubert "Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with." "Never let a computer know you're in a hurry." "Never mistake endurance for hospitality." "Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely." "Never, never, never *MOON* a werewolf." "Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot." "No dream comes true until you wake up and go to work." "No guts, no glory, no brain, same story." "No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong." "No matter where you go, there you are." -- _Buckaroo Banzai_ "No one is listening until you make a mistake." "No! That's just what they'll be expecting us to do!" "Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check." "Nothing is so smiple that it can't be screwed up." "Now you be sure and dress warmly on those other planes of existance." OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too "Of all things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." "Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?" "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog." "On the other hand, you have different fingers." -- Steven Wright "One drink is just right, two are too many, three are too few." "One good turn usually gets most of the blanket." "One meets his own destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it." "Oops. My brain just hit another bad sector." "Our dignity is not in what we do, but what we understand." "Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake." -- Thoreau PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Math "Paranoia? Hell, no. Heightened awareness is more like it." "People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do." "People will believe anything if you whisper it." "Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic." "Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win." - J. Kozol "Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." -- J. Lehman, SECNAV Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! "Proofread carefully to see if you any words out." "Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." "Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of." "Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur." "RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure." RISC: Reduced Into Silly Code "Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell." "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance." -- Confucius "Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs." -- Tomlin "Reality is nothing but a collective hunch." -- Lily Tomlin "Reality is the leading cause of stress for those in touch with it." "Reason can answer questions, but imagination has to ask them." "Round up the usual suspects!" "Rule of Thumb Number 26: When in doubt, power cycle." -- Corcoran SCSI: System Can't See It "Security for Unix is like multitasking for MS-DOS." - Kevin Lockwood "Show me a thoroughly satisfied man and I will show you a failure." -Edison "Sick days are the same as vacation days, but with sound effects." "Silence is golden when you can't think of a good answer." "Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..." "Smile, it makes people wonder what the hell you're up to." "Some drink at the fountain of knowledge... others just gargle." "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." "Some pursue happiness - others create it." "Speak softly and carry a cellular phone." "Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view." "Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have." "Synonym: A word you use when you can't spell the other." "TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done." "Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves." "Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand." "Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion." "The absent are never without fault. Nor the present without excuse." "The C shell is flakier than a snowstorm." -- Guy Harris "The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in." "The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail." "The Self is not something you find, it is something you create." "The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool." "The bureaucracy expands to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy." "The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it." "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese" "The employee beatings will continue until morale improves." "The field cannot be seen from within the field." -- Emerson "The foolish and the dead alone never change their opinions." - Lowell "The geek shall inherit the earth." "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance." "The gulf between knowledge and truth is infinite." -- Henry Miller "The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread." "The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly." "The highest form of wisdom is kindness." -- Linda Berman "The living dead don't NEED to solve word problems." -- Calvin "The man who has no imagination has no wings." -- Muhammed Ali "The mind does not understand its own reason for being." -- Magritte "The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled." "The modem is the message." "The nicest thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time." "The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy." "The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes." "The opposite of love, I have found, is not hate, but indifference." "The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard." "The secret of life is not to do what you like, but to like what you do." "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." "The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach." "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up." "The trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more." "The trouble with this world is that God needs to self-actualize." "The truth will set you free, but probably piss you off, also." "The universe is surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes." "The views disclosed herein are mine, _mine_ ALL MINE HA HA HA HA!!!" "The world bores you when you're cool." "The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion." "There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't." "There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead." "There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full." "There's always something cleverer than yourself." - Merlin, "Excalubur" "There's no place like $HOME." "There's too much blood in my caffeine system." "These are only my opinions. You should see my convictions." "These days, about the only thing free of charge is a run-down battery." "They all attain perfection/When they find joy in their work." "This statement is in no way to be construed as a disclaimer." "Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space." "Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so." -- Douglas Adams "Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students." "Time is what keeps things from happening all at once." "To accomplish the impossible, we must attempt the absurd." "To assume makes an ass out of YOU. Leave ME out of this." "To be great is to be misunderstood." -- Emerson "To be, or not to be, those are the parameters." "To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer." "To err is human, but it is against company policy." "To err is human, to moo bovine." "To find a fault is easy; to do better may be difficult." - Plutarch "To get nowhere, follow the crowd." "To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; from many it's research." "Too many clicks spoil the browse." "Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant 'idiot'." -- Terry Pratchett "Two wrongs are only the beginning." "Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do." VOTE ANARCHIST! "Verbing weirds language." -- Calvin "Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters." "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." "Volvo, Video, Velcro. (I came, I saw, I stuck around.)" WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data on Whole System WWW: World-Wide Wait Warning: Dates on calendars are closer than they appear. "We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated." "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse." "We demand guaranteed rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty." "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?" "We knew it was forever when we merged our CD collections together." "We're all in this alone." -- Lily Tomlin "What I said never changed anyone. What they understood did." "What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate, someone else to catch this drift." "What boots up must come down." "What do they use to ship styrofoam?" "What goes around often gets dizzy and falls right over." "What is a 'free gift?' Aren't all gifts free?" "What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind." -- Thomas Key "What is the hardest thing in the world? To think." -- Emerson "What was the best thing before sliced bread?" "What we should have fought for was representation without taxation." "What's another word for thesaurus?" "When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane." "When ideas fail, words come in very handy." -- Goethe "When sign makers go on strike, do they write anything on their signs?" "When the going seems easy, you may be going downhill." "When they tell you to grow up, they mean to stop growing." -- Robbins "When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." "When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?" "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS." "When you open a bag of cotton balls, do you throw away the top one?" "Where am I and how did I end up in this handbasket?" "Where there's a will, I want to be in it." "Which way does a 'Down Escalator' go?" "Who is this 'General Failure' and why is he reading my drive?" "Who were the Beta Testers for Preparations A through G???" "Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?" "Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?" "Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?" "Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?" "Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?" "Why does the victor get the spoils, and not the fresth stuff?" "Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT command or filename!'" "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?" "Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?" "Windows will never cease." "Windows, another fine product from the folks who gave us edlin." "Windows: Just another pane in the glass." "Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know men." "Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." --R.K. "Yeah sure! But what's the speed of dark?!" "You *can* go home again. Just type 'cd ~'." "You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever." "You can't teach a new mouse old clicks." "You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive." "You only live once, so live under as many false names as possible." "Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot." "Your mind is on vacation, but your mouth is workin' overtime." Your password is pitifully obvious. "Your silence will not protect you." -- Audre Lourde "f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng" "grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines." 668: The Neighbor of the Beast File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" <-------- The information went data way --------> APRES MOE LE DELUGE -- Larry and Curly got wet. Actual Headline: "Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures" COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore I am a waffle. COGITO, ERGO SPUD -- I think, therefore I Yam Classified tagline. Please enter password: _ DYK? == Did You Know? If it's an Urban Legend, let me know! Did You Know? (DYK?): "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo. DYK?: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321 DYK?: 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. DYK?: A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. DYK?: A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h. DYK?: Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. DYK?: America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men. DYK?: An average person laughs about 15 times a day. Did You Know? (DYK?): An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. DYK?: Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. DYK?: Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33 DYK?: Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. DYK?: Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs have about ten. DYK?: Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him. Did You Know? (DYK?): Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? DYK?: Einstein couldn't speak fluently even at age nine. DYK?: Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treas. Did You Know? (DYK?): Every person has a unique tongue print. DYK?: Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio. DYK?: Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation. DYK?: In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows. DYK?: In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles. DYK?: In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees. DYK?: In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. DYK?: Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. DYK?: It's against the law to catch fish with your hands in Kansas. DYK?: Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined. DYK?: Like these? Look at http://lalaland.cl.msu.edu/~vanhoose/quotes.html DYK?: Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. Did You Know? (DYK?): Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. DYK?: Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school. DYK?: Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better. Did You Know? (DYK?): Most American car horns honk in the key of F. DYK?: No word in the English language rhymes with month or orange. Did You Know? (DYK?): Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. DYK?: Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star. DYK?: Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: Pig DYK?: Our nose and ears keep growing throughout our lives. Our eyes don't. DYK?: Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air. DYK?: Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90. Mammals: 3. DYK?: Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner. DYK?: Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5 DYK?: Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12 DYK?: Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3 DYK?: Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3 DYK?: Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses. Did You Know? (DYK?): Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns. DYK?: Starfish have eight eyes--one at the end of each leg. DYK?: State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska DYK?: The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. DYK?: The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. DYK?: The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments. DYK?: The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows." DYK?: The average bank teller loses about $250 every year. DYK?: The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night. Did You Know? (DYK?): The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. DYK?: The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver." DYK?: The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher. DYK?: The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds. DYK?: The most common name in the world is Mohammed. DYK?: The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." DYK?: The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. DYK?: The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515. Did You Know? (DYK?): The youngest pope was 11 years old. DYK?: There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones. DYK?: There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Did You Know? (DYK?): Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. DYK?: Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink." Did You Know? (DYK?): Women's hearts beat faster than men's. DYK?: You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog. Did You Know? (DYK?): Your nose and ears never stop growing. DYK?: Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. Did You Know? (DYK?): 67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs). Did You Know? (DYK?): 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. Did You Know? (DYK?): A group of frogs is called an army. Did You Know? (DYK?): A group of larks is called an exaltation. Did You Know? (DYK?): A group of owls is called a parliament. Did You Know? (DYK?): A group of ravens or crows is called a murder. Did You Know? (DYK?): A group of storks is called a mustering. Did You Know? (DYK?): A group of swans or quails is called a bevy. Did You Know? (DYK?): A group of rhinos is called a crash. Did You Know? (DYK?): A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Did You Know? (DYK?): A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. Did You Know? (DYK?): An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. Did You Know? (DYK?): Armadillos can be housebroken. Did You Know? (DYK?): Bubble gum contains rubber. Did You Know? (DYK?): Camel's milk does not curdle. Did You Know? (DYK?): Cats' urine glows under a black light. Did You Know? (DYK?): Coca-cola was originally green. Did You Know? (DYK?): Honey doesn't spoil. Did You Know? (DYK?): Hot water is heavier than cold. Did You Know? (DYK?): Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. Did You Know? (DYK?): Many lipsticks contain fish scales. Did You Know? (DYK?): Non-dairy creamer is flammable. Did You Know? (DYK?): Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head." Did You Know? (DYK?): Polar bears are left-handed. Did You Know? (DYK?): Some toothpastes contain antifreeze. Did You Know? (DYK?): The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters. EX POST FU**O -- Lost in the mail Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny. FELIX NAVIDAD -- Our cat has a boat. HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French motorcycle? HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food I have read and understood the above. X________________________ ICH LIEBE RICH -- I'm really crazy about having dough. IDIOS AMIGOS -- We're wild and crazy guys! LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI -- The king is dead. No kidding. MAZEL TON -- tons of luck Member, Canadians for Global Warming Member, National Association For Tagline Assimilators (NAFTA) Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous PRO BOZO PUBLICO -- Support your local clown. Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor. Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites. QUE SERA SERF -- Life is feudal. QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish. RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead. Seen on a Bumper Sticker: "Friends don't let friends drive naked." Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER Tigger of Borg: "ASSIMMILATING! That's what Tiggers do best!" VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied. VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" [YOUR AD HERE!] rw-rw-rw- The File Protection of the Beast "Clones are People, Two!" -- Bumper Sticker "Entropy isn't what it used to be." Seen on Door: "Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!" "Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses." "Eschew obfuscation." -- Bumper Sticker "186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!" "COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage" "Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?" "Editing is a rewording occupation." "Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy." "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." "What if there were no hypothetical questions?" "Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery." "No sense being pessimistic, it probably won't help anyway." "IRS - Be audit you can be." -- Bumper Sticker Did You Know? (DYK?): Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. Did You Know? (DYK?): Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite. Did You Know? (DYK?): The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. Did You Know? (DYK?): There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar. DYK?: The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. DYK?: A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. Did You Know?: There are more chickens than people in the world. DYK?: Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey. DYK?: The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched." Did You Know? (DYK?): There's a U.S. flag on the Canadian $2 bill. DYK?: All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20. DYK?: Words with no rhymes: month, orange, silver or purple. DYK?: "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt." DYK?: The U.S. $5 bill contains the names of all 50 states. Did You Know? (DYK?): Almonds are a member of the peach family. Did You Know? (DYK?): Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room. DYK?: Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable. Did You Know? (DYK?): A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. Did You Know? (DYK?): An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Did You Know? (DYK?): Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur. DYK?: Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer. DYK?: Betsy Ross is the only "real" Pez Head? DYK?: Bert and Ernie are named for characters in "It's a Wonderful Life." Did You Know? (DYK?): A dime has 118 ridges around the edge. DYK?: The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world. DYK?: Paul Reiser plays the piano in the theme to "Mad About You." DYK?: The microwave was invented because of a melted chocolate bar. DYK?: Mr. Rogers was an ordained minister. DYK?: John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles. DYK?: There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball. DYK?: Coca-Cola was originally green.